its all fun and games until someone gets slapped.... twice.

lets set up our standard backdrop for all of my stories:

im visiting chase. im drunk. there are men around.

buzz is there, and so is a group of men that have been staying for the past month on and off. for some reason, they all thought it would be funny to tell the young kid in the group that i want to "do him" and that he has a chance. i already know that he doesnt because he has no military experience.

anyway, drinking and smoking until the wee hours of the morning took its toll on me and i told buzz to give me his room key. i thought i said it in a cute, seductive way; he has the social cues of a baboon in special ed, so he thought i wanted to just go to his room and watch MTV cribs or something while he stayed out. this is also a man who met me in flats, saw me next in 5 inch heels and LITERALLY asked me "how did you get taller?" AFTER looking at my shoes. oh, buzz...

i go to his room and get under the covers, and 2 minutes later beano (young kid in group) strolls in like he belongs there. apparantely buzz thought it would be funny to send him in there after he found out that the poor kid likes me. when i say "likes me" i mean it. he actually likes me as a person and isnt looking to be my next accomplishment. i feel terrible, but i dont want my relationships lasting longer than my orgasms.

im humiliated, and i have to politely tell him that im in BUZZ'S room waiting for BUZZ, and that he should probably leave. he does, with his head down and tail between his legs. poor beano...

eventually buzz gets the hint that i need to be tended to, so he comes in and we get down to business. its great, even though he keeps insisting that we do something i do NOT do. especially with that size equipment. whatever, i ignore him and enjoy the show.

then i got slapped. hard. in the face.

MEN: rough sex is hot, if the girl is into it. spanking, handcuffs, lightly putting your hands on someones neck (NOT choking) pinning someone down in the right way, and a good throw down is always ok and very fun if youre in that kinda mood. SLAPPING SOMEONE IN THE FACE IS NOT IN THE ROUGH SEX CATEGORY.

I know that these stories make me seem carefree, anything goes, whatever. but im not a low rent hooker on liberty avenue. i dont have a crack addiction or daddy issues. so do not treat me like a whore. im actually mad.

i let it go because everything else going on is so damn good that i figure that convo can wait a day or two.

then i got slapped somewhere else: in the vagina.

like in a spread eagle position. an actual slap to the vagina. not the vagina bone. the vagina.

i need a new life. we're having a conversation before i do it again tonight.

<3>

creep-ass coworker. ew.

I personally love Chase, for the record.

I tolerate the morning people.

I cannot even begin to understand the housekeepers or the regular nightshift guy, but they dont usually piss me off.

However, i have serious reservations about the twice a week night guy. Lets call him WANNABE.

Wannabe is a loser. scruffy goatee, ex-army (so he thinks he has a chance), townie, unfunny loser. The most impressive person he has ever had sex with is my good friend Bambi (against my advice) and that was the luckiest he will ever get. second place would be one of our regular prostitutes. he claims he didnt pay for it, but come on. no one rides for free.

he has now taken hitting on me to an art form. its disgusting. in the past 3 days he has sent me 54 text messages, called me multiple times on my cell, and even more on the work phone since theres no caller ID and no feasable way for me to ignore his calls.

seriously, guys: if you ask a girl out and she politely declines, you move on. even if you think shes just playing hard to get, shes not gonna change her answer after youve asked her to "chill" for 35 minutes straight. save your dignity and invest in a blowup doll.

not wannabe. he showed up here for no reason to harass me on my busiest day of the week. i would quit my job to avoid being thrown in the trunk of his car and left in a ditch on the side of the road, but its too entertaining.

p.s. he now calls me peaches. double yuck. more details to follow, im sure..... sorry for the extra long gripe session.

<3>

volume control....

i was working tonight and chase came to the hotel to visit. we went outside to smoke and i was busy addressing my sexual frustration with Buzz. i tend to get loud when i'm trying to get a point across (and other times too) and i half-yelled, "i have been having the best sex of my life recently and im sick of doing it with guests! all they do is make me wait around for more!!!"

of course, there was a group of men sitting around the corner. i didnt see them, but they sure as shit heard me. all of their heads whipped around faster than you can believe, and i spent my last 2 hours at work in SHAME.

I'll be better Sunday when Buzz gets here i think....
<3 CC

buzz, your girlfriend. WOOF.

to reference the "incident" in 114....

the trip to the bar on monday started innocently enough. i was summoned there by a few of the hotel guests who saw me earlier in a sundress and could barely contain themselves. whatever, creepy horny construction guys dont bother me, as long as they're buying me things.

but then we got to the bonus round of Wheel of Unfortunate Losers: BUZZ.

also a hotel guest (obviously) and hot as shit. seriously. 6'4", tan, tattoos, nice smile, whole package. dumb as a doorknob, but we're not gonna be studying for the MCATs during our time together, so whatever. im thrilled at the prospect of getting to know him, a.k.a. seeking him naked. THEN i find out that hes Army. Buzz has no idea that he just said the magic words.

so me, buzz, chase, and dimi (a friend of chase's) head back to the hotel. and right away i am literally MAULED. in front of the other two guys. im wearing a dress that has no room for error. the infamous LEFT BOOB actually makes an appearance at the party. chase and i lock eyes for a minute and i consider flinging myself out the window (unfortunately we're on the first floor) luckily, my good friend jose cuervo convinced me that this was not a big deal -- pop it back in and move on.

so after i gave chase and dimi the heave-ho, we had sex several times. GOOD. GREAT. AMAZING. its not weird when i go to leave, which is good, although he mentions something to me on the way out that was odd. something about a girl bringing his dog to the hotel tomorrow morning. whatever, im tired, and i'd rather not listen to him speak when i could be home sleeping.

turns out, its his GIRLFRIEND dropping off the dog. wtf. how does this always happen to me? im obviously not going to say anything to this girl, but this is just insane. i work here. i socialize here. and now i have to SEE HER?

im glad i did see her. she is BUSTED. stripper fat. armband tattoo. smokers voice. dead behind the eyes. i win. i feel validated. i ESPECIALLY win bc the sheets she and her loving boyfriend were sleeping on were the very same ones that i did what i do best on the day before. hotels dont change the sheets every day in an extended stay, FYI.

hes staying here 5 days a week for the next 2 months. we'll see how this goes.... <3>

From CC

Actual quote: "I have standards. Not many, but I do have them."---CC

*chase*

Why is she cc?

Okay. So, you have read CC's posts. Let's get into why that is her nickname. She simply cannot find a man to fuck that does not have military experience.

Really. She likes it. But to her credit, the "incident" that happened in 114 on Monday, would have taken place whether or not he was an ex-Army guy. He just happened to tell me at the bar (yeah, we drink with guests, inside and outside of working hours) that he served the country (which made it even more likely that CC would be serving him later).

So, what does CC stand for? Camo Cunt, n. female that sleeps only with military men.

Yep. I came up with it. Feel free to use it. Just rememer, you read it here first.

(The pic is not anyone we know. But I am sure CC will run into him at some point.)

*Chase*

FLASHBACK: ULTIMATE MEAT

an oldie, but a goodie for sure.

a few months back i came up to the hotel to visit chase while he was working. one main reason i decided to come hang out that night was because he informed me of an exceptionally fuckable guy that was staying there that night. obviously i was in the car faster than you can say "inappropriate."

after a few hours of drinking and fending off sexual advances from the hot man's friend, we managed to sneak away and went to his room (215, in case you care.) he went to shower while i obviously went through some of his stuff. not in a creepy way, just curious. lol. finally he came out of the shower. in a towel. game on.

this guy was my type (or at least my type that month): midwestern, sweet, blue collar, says things like "yes ma'am" and "i reckon." im suprised i didnt undress myself in the lobby. so i was anxious to pull away the towel.

i did. and said (and i quote) "uhhhh are you fucking kidding me???...." i mentally gave him a nickname dedicated to a pizza we had ordered earlier -- ULTIMATE MEAT.

this was a good thing. a verrrrrry good thing. it was like christmas morning, but dirty. not kidding, i wasnt quite sure what to do with it. it was that huge. unfortunately, he must have been relying on size rather than skill all his life, because it was not good AT ALL. at one point there was an attempt at the missionary position that could only be described as a pornographic and awful game of leap frog. i considered faking an allergic reaction and bailing. but i was polite, faked it, and got dressed as quickly as i could.

so after sneaking past his friend/boss who was pounding on the door the entire time looking for us, we went down thru the lobby for an uncomfortable walk of shame in front of the night guy. i got in my car, laughed it off, and figured i was ok knowing that i never had to see him again.

he ended up staying an extra night. i worked the next day. awkward. i know, i know -- DONT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. but it doesnt count for ultimate meat. and i still havent learned my lesson...

<3 CC