its all fun and games until someone gets slapped.... twice.

lets set up our standard backdrop for all of my stories:

im visiting chase. im drunk. there are men around.

buzz is there, and so is a group of men that have been staying for the past month on and off. for some reason, they all thought it would be funny to tell the young kid in the group that i want to "do him" and that he has a chance. i already know that he doesnt because he has no military experience.

anyway, drinking and smoking until the wee hours of the morning took its toll on me and i told buzz to give me his room key. i thought i said it in a cute, seductive way; he has the social cues of a baboon in special ed, so he thought i wanted to just go to his room and watch MTV cribs or something while he stayed out. this is also a man who met me in flats, saw me next in 5 inch heels and LITERALLY asked me "how did you get taller?" AFTER looking at my shoes. oh, buzz...

i go to his room and get under the covers, and 2 minutes later beano (young kid in group) strolls in like he belongs there. apparantely buzz thought it would be funny to send him in there after he found out that the poor kid likes me. when i say "likes me" i mean it. he actually likes me as a person and isnt looking to be my next accomplishment. i feel terrible, but i dont want my relationships lasting longer than my orgasms.

im humiliated, and i have to politely tell him that im in BUZZ'S room waiting for BUZZ, and that he should probably leave. he does, with his head down and tail between his legs. poor beano...

eventually buzz gets the hint that i need to be tended to, so he comes in and we get down to business. its great, even though he keeps insisting that we do something i do NOT do. especially with that size equipment. whatever, i ignore him and enjoy the show.

then i got slapped. hard. in the face.

MEN: rough sex is hot, if the girl is into it. spanking, handcuffs, lightly putting your hands on someones neck (NOT choking) pinning someone down in the right way, and a good throw down is always ok and very fun if youre in that kinda mood. SLAPPING SOMEONE IN THE FACE IS NOT IN THE ROUGH SEX CATEGORY.

I know that these stories make me seem carefree, anything goes, whatever. but im not a low rent hooker on liberty avenue. i dont have a crack addiction or daddy issues. so do not treat me like a whore. im actually mad.

i let it go because everything else going on is so damn good that i figure that convo can wait a day or two.

then i got slapped somewhere else: in the vagina.

like in a spread eagle position. an actual slap to the vagina. not the vagina bone. the vagina.

i need a new life. we're having a conversation before i do it again tonight.

<3>

creep-ass coworker. ew.

I personally love Chase, for the record.

I tolerate the morning people.

I cannot even begin to understand the housekeepers or the regular nightshift guy, but they dont usually piss me off.

However, i have serious reservations about the twice a week night guy. Lets call him WANNABE.

Wannabe is a loser. scruffy goatee, ex-army (so he thinks he has a chance), townie, unfunny loser. The most impressive person he has ever had sex with is my good friend Bambi (against my advice) and that was the luckiest he will ever get. second place would be one of our regular prostitutes. he claims he didnt pay for it, but come on. no one rides for free.

he has now taken hitting on me to an art form. its disgusting. in the past 3 days he has sent me 54 text messages, called me multiple times on my cell, and even more on the work phone since theres no caller ID and no feasable way for me to ignore his calls.

seriously, guys: if you ask a girl out and she politely declines, you move on. even if you think shes just playing hard to get, shes not gonna change her answer after youve asked her to "chill" for 35 minutes straight. save your dignity and invest in a blowup doll.

not wannabe. he showed up here for no reason to harass me on my busiest day of the week. i would quit my job to avoid being thrown in the trunk of his car and left in a ditch on the side of the road, but its too entertaining.

p.s. he now calls me peaches. double yuck. more details to follow, im sure..... sorry for the extra long gripe session.

<3>

volume control....

i was working tonight and chase came to the hotel to visit. we went outside to smoke and i was busy addressing my sexual frustration with Buzz. i tend to get loud when i'm trying to get a point across (and other times too) and i half-yelled, "i have been having the best sex of my life recently and im sick of doing it with guests! all they do is make me wait around for more!!!"

of course, there was a group of men sitting around the corner. i didnt see them, but they sure as shit heard me. all of their heads whipped around faster than you can believe, and i spent my last 2 hours at work in SHAME.

I'll be better Sunday when Buzz gets here i think....
<3 CC

buzz, your girlfriend. WOOF.

to reference the "incident" in 114....

the trip to the bar on monday started innocently enough. i was summoned there by a few of the hotel guests who saw me earlier in a sundress and could barely contain themselves. whatever, creepy horny construction guys dont bother me, as long as they're buying me things.

but then we got to the bonus round of Wheel of Unfortunate Losers: BUZZ.

also a hotel guest (obviously) and hot as shit. seriously. 6'4", tan, tattoos, nice smile, whole package. dumb as a doorknob, but we're not gonna be studying for the MCATs during our time together, so whatever. im thrilled at the prospect of getting to know him, a.k.a. seeking him naked. THEN i find out that hes Army. Buzz has no idea that he just said the magic words.

so me, buzz, chase, and dimi (a friend of chase's) head back to the hotel. and right away i am literally MAULED. in front of the other two guys. im wearing a dress that has no room for error. the infamous LEFT BOOB actually makes an appearance at the party. chase and i lock eyes for a minute and i consider flinging myself out the window (unfortunately we're on the first floor) luckily, my good friend jose cuervo convinced me that this was not a big deal -- pop it back in and move on.

so after i gave chase and dimi the heave-ho, we had sex several times. GOOD. GREAT. AMAZING. its not weird when i go to leave, which is good, although he mentions something to me on the way out that was odd. something about a girl bringing his dog to the hotel tomorrow morning. whatever, im tired, and i'd rather not listen to him speak when i could be home sleeping.

turns out, its his GIRLFRIEND dropping off the dog. wtf. how does this always happen to me? im obviously not going to say anything to this girl, but this is just insane. i work here. i socialize here. and now i have to SEE HER?

im glad i did see her. she is BUSTED. stripper fat. armband tattoo. smokers voice. dead behind the eyes. i win. i feel validated. i ESPECIALLY win bc the sheets she and her loving boyfriend were sleeping on were the very same ones that i did what i do best on the day before. hotels dont change the sheets every day in an extended stay, FYI.

hes staying here 5 days a week for the next 2 months. we'll see how this goes.... <3>

From CC

Actual quote: "I have standards. Not many, but I do have them."---CC

*chase*

Why is she cc?

Okay. So, you have read CC's posts. Let's get into why that is her nickname. She simply cannot find a man to fuck that does not have military experience.

Really. She likes it. But to her credit, the "incident" that happened in 114 on Monday, would have taken place whether or not he was an ex-Army guy. He just happened to tell me at the bar (yeah, we drink with guests, inside and outside of working hours) that he served the country (which made it even more likely that CC would be serving him later).

So, what does CC stand for? Camo Cunt, n. female that sleeps only with military men.

Yep. I came up with it. Feel free to use it. Just rememer, you read it here first.

(The pic is not anyone we know. But I am sure CC will run into him at some point.)

*Chase*

FLASHBACK: ULTIMATE MEAT

an oldie, but a goodie for sure.

a few months back i came up to the hotel to visit chase while he was working. one main reason i decided to come hang out that night was because he informed me of an exceptionally fuckable guy that was staying there that night. obviously i was in the car faster than you can say "inappropriate."

after a few hours of drinking and fending off sexual advances from the hot man's friend, we managed to sneak away and went to his room (215, in case you care.) he went to shower while i obviously went through some of his stuff. not in a creepy way, just curious. lol. finally he came out of the shower. in a towel. game on.

this guy was my type (or at least my type that month): midwestern, sweet, blue collar, says things like "yes ma'am" and "i reckon." im suprised i didnt undress myself in the lobby. so i was anxious to pull away the towel.

i did. and said (and i quote) "uhhhh are you fucking kidding me???...." i mentally gave him a nickname dedicated to a pizza we had ordered earlier -- ULTIMATE MEAT.

this was a good thing. a verrrrrry good thing. it was like christmas morning, but dirty. not kidding, i wasnt quite sure what to do with it. it was that huge. unfortunately, he must have been relying on size rather than skill all his life, because it was not good AT ALL. at one point there was an attempt at the missionary position that could only be described as a pornographic and awful game of leap frog. i considered faking an allergic reaction and bailing. but i was polite, faked it, and got dressed as quickly as i could.

so after sneaking past his friend/boss who was pounding on the door the entire time looking for us, we went down thru the lobby for an uncomfortable walk of shame in front of the night guy. i got in my car, laughed it off, and figured i was ok knowing that i never had to see him again.

he ended up staying an extra night. i worked the next day. awkward. i know, i know -- DONT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. but it doesnt count for ultimate meat. and i still havent learned my lesson...

<3 CC

you're welcome, planet earth. i've arrived.

im not too sure why exactly its taken chase so long to throw my point of view into the mix, but thank god he did. my name is "CC" and i have a LOT to say.

i'll give you the basic rundown about me before we get to the good stuff -- ive been working at the now infamous pittsburgh area hotel for just under a year now, and met chase during my training. needless to say, its been quite the shit show since.

people are always amazed at the stories we have, and until now all you've been able to read about is just plain LAME SAUCE. between our own drunken rampages, police-related matters, and ordinary convos with low rent strippers, theres a story or two that we've been DYING to share. and now we can. =)

FOR THE RECORD: every single one of these stories are real. theres really no need to make up material when theres already so much to go off of. but no real names are going to be used. both for their protection and ours. we really are a bunch of degenerates.

ENJOY!!!
<3 CC

Meet cc

Well, now that I am no longer being graded for this, let's really talk. I had to keep it kind of tame when I started because it was linked to my college newspaper's Web site. And while the link is still up, no one reads it in the summer. Get ready to hear what really goes on here.


But wait, there's more. I am introducing a new blogger. She is my co-worker. She is my friend. She is the one who had the great left boob. She'll call her self "CC" and you be in love.

--chase

I Can Nod And Smile But Not Through Everything

It's happy hour.  I am at work.  I was just having a good conversation with a frequent guest.  I know he is a frequent guest because I see his name on the computer screen often.  But I have never said more than a quick "hi" to him before.

We were talking about international relations because CNN was on in the lobby.  All fine.  He actually worked throughout the Middle East in the 1990's. 

We somehow got on to our opinions about Palestinians and their treatment in Gaza and the West Bank.  Still, all was fine.

Then he made a a few negative comments about the Jewish people.  I let it slide.  I am at work, and he was drinking.  I am not Jewish, but I do not enjoy intolerance.

Then, he went off.  He made very anti-Semitic remarks.  Homophobic comments.  Anti-Arab comments.  All ending with the crescendo that the Holocaust happened because the Jews were "taking over" Germany at the time. (Oh, but he clarified that he did not agree with Hitler.)

I do realize that I have to watch what I say because guests are entitled to be stupid. I also am representing a company here. 

But I ended the conversation.  It disgusts me that people can be so intolerant.  Oh, and if you run into him and you are not wearing a uniform or otherwise working, let him know that "Arab" is not a religion.    

EWWW.

Remember, everyone we are always on camera.  It is a fact of modern day life.  From Wal-Mart to the bank and even on college campuses, Big Brother is watching.  We have a ton of hi-tech cameras all over the place.  And yes, we can zoom right in on you.

So, think before you act.  Or, think before you masturbate in the stairway of my hotel.  

Yes.  It happened.  On Saturday, I came to work out in our fitness center.  (Hey, it is cheaper than a gym membership and close to my home.)  

I was not working, but I was catching up with my friend who was working at the time.   We were behind the desk, by the camera screen and caught him in the act.

Now, to be fair, even If it is inexcusable, he was about 20 years old and with his basketball team.  So maybe he did not have enough private time.  But I could think of about 20 other private places he could have "used."  The stairway?  Not on the list.

Another hotel blog

USA Today launched this blog recently.  Check it out and let me know what you think.

It is a little more "inside-baseball," but there are interesting conversations going on there.

I hate my iphone

This is off topic but it is a funny article from the Sunday Magazine of The New York Times...

'And so the iPhone made suggestions. Did I want to say Ride? Ripe? Ruin? No. I wanted to say Running. You know, the way a human might. But with its know-it-all suggestions, the iPhone seemed to want to be more human, more helpful, jollier than I was! The vaunted Apple user-friendliness was exposed, before my eyes, as bossiness and insincerity.'--Virginia Heffernan  Read the rest...

Have any of you found that you hated an electronic device after waiting to buy it?

my funny friends from the north

Well, I have been thoroughly entertained today.   That is a good thing, because life hasn't been so great.

But today, I checked about 12 walk-ins.  They were almost all from Canada.  It is kind of typical for this time of year.  Older Canadians seem to "winter" in Florida, then come home.  

This couple I had today though, they were hilarious.  They drank as much beer as possible.  Then they told me about there life.  They are retired.  Fixed income.  But they invested in Florida when they were younger.  So they stay down there about 4 months out of the year.  I've asked them to take me next year, so if I disappear next December do not be surprised.

But they made my night great.  They made me laugh with their corny jokes.  And, they made me wish I still had grandparents.

Take this quiz!

Its fun and scientific.  

What Alcohol Are You? » Quiz School

What Alcohol Are You? » Quiz School

Sunday funny Sunday

We do not serve beer on Sundays.  Happy hour is only Monday through Thursday.  

But considering there was a Pens game, a Pitt men's basketball game and we are booked up for a funeral, I figured everyone should drink as much beer as they want.  

The laws in Pennsylvania make it almost impossible for travellers to buy their own refreshments, anyway.  I am constantly asked by out-of-state guests why they can not buy beer at gas stations.  Sending them to the beer distributor often confuses them, too.

In Pennsylvania, you have to buy beer by the case.  Six packs can only be sold at bars.  

So, I felt generous and set the keg out when I got to work.

What ensued was truly funny.  A mini-wake broke out around the keg.  

Hearing the funny stories of the family that had just lost their loved one put the loss by the Pens in perspective.  

And, they reminded me of my family.  They were clearly missing their younger brother that they lost suddenly, but they made each other laugh with all the funny stories of their shared youth.  My family has the same tendency to come together and make each other laugh even at the saddest times.

I am glad that they could find some comfort with the beer and their stories, all in the hotel lobby. And, I am glad I was here.

This post is more serious

I was off today.  But I have become friends with the co-worker who was hired to work the shifts that I cannot.

Two weeks ago, she called me in a panic.  She was reading the Post-Gazette and read about murder suspects who were on the run.  She thought she recognized the names, so she went online to look at the mug shots.  

They were here.  And she was scared.  I do not blame her.  She has a young child, and when you work the 3-11 shift you are the only person here.  She called the homicide line listed in the paper at 3 p.m.  and they took the information and never called her back.  

All the while, the suspects are upstairs.  

She then called me about 5 hours later and let me know what was going on.  I came to the hotel as quickly as I could.  I could not believe that the Pittsburgh Police Homicide Unit had not responded, yet.  

It actually took me calling a friend who is a police officer in the town the hotel is located in, and him calling it in for them to respond.  When they came they came with full force.  Uniformed, undercover, all with guns drawn when they approached the room.

Now, we have to save every record, and all our video recordings from that time period.  And my co-worker is afraid to work by herself in fear of retribution.  She thinks it is crazy that it takes that long for alleged wanted murders to be apprehended.  She had to have called the police 4 times in 3 hours.  

Wow

We have a cancellation policy and a strict customer satisfaction policy.  

These two things sometimes conflict each other.  Front desk agents are not allowed to cancel reservations after the 24 hour in advance deadline has expired.  I can, but I am only to do it at my discretion.  If a corporate cousin hotel calls, and you are in their lobby because you made a mistake, I can usually help you out.

But if you arrive, and just decide you do not want to stay and have no good reason, you will be charged.  I don't like to do it, but I do like to get paid.  So I have to follow the rules.

Which brings me to tonight.  

Two employees of a company I won't name, but I know Point Park and other college students who eat on campus are well aware of, checked in tonight.  They had reservations, made well in advance.

These women were rude to begin with, even though I went out of my way to find them a Thai restaurant. I overheard them saying that their travel budget had been cut, and they were not happy they were in the suburbs before I even checked them in.

Well, a half hour after checking them in, they come down and tell me they are checking out.  I cannot do that.  It is not allowed.  You can think of various reasons why any hotel will not simply check you out without charge after spending 30 minutes in a room.

These "ladies" were the worst customers I have ever had, however, and refused any attempt to correct the "problems" they had.  I say "problems" because they had no specific issues I could correct, they just said "we refuse to stay here."  All peppered with curse words and threats.  

I eventually told them they had to leave, or they would be escorted away, by the police.  They told me to please call the cops, so they could show the police how disgusting the hotel was.  When I let them know that the police stay here, they finally left.

I hope they found a place to stay, and never come back.  

Physics and beer

The hotel has been crazy due to the APS Physics convention in Downtown Pittsburgh. 7,000 physicists have descended on Pittsburgh and enough of them have found their way to my hotel to sell it out.  

When I think of physicists, I think of lab coats.  

But these physicists have been ready to party.

The only time we have gone through more beer, in the time that I have worked here, was during the U.S. Open a couple of years ago.  

This is also the first time I have had to call this many cabs to get guests to strip clubs.

Unfortunately, not a lot of the guest spoke English as a first language.  I am sure if I could have understood any of them, I would have great stories to share.  But I did learn that science must not be as boring as I thought.

Breakfast

I am tired.  I am cranky.  I filled in at another hotel last night 3-11, then had to get up at 7 a.m. to work at my normal hotel.

We serve breakfast.  It is free.

But we are not a restaurant.  It is a buffet.  

Yet, today, when I was so sleepy, at least 4 people asked me to make them waffles. 

They are "make-your-own" waffles.  So, make your own.  It is not that hard.  And I do not have time.  I have to check people out.  I have to answer the phone.  I have to clean up after your messy kids that get more of their muffins on the floor than in their screaming mouths.  

But I do not have to and will not make your waffles.

And, yeah I know, the coffee is empty.  Why did you think I took the pot away? I went to make more.  Thanks for letting me know every 3 seconds.  It takes literally 1 minute 30 seconds to make a new pot.  Calm down.  Maybe you have already had too much coffee.

Have a Beer With Obama, just be quiet

Politics and beer do not really mix.

As you may have heard, Pres. Obama addressed both houses of Congress on Tuesday.

The speech did not start until 9 p.m.  Happy hour is over at 7 p.m.  So, I am set, right?  I can hear the president speak with no drunken interruptions.  Wrong.

I had so much homework, and the hotel was so busy on Tuesday that I forgot about the beer.

I had to sit through the speech, with 10 drunk people still in the lobby.  And they were all loudly analyzing every word as if they were the late Tim Russert.  

I won't forget the beer anymore.  

Thank God for Internet video.

Which one is bigger? I don't care

A guest had a few too many complimentary beers today.  He may have been drinking before he arrived.

Liquid lunches are pretty common among business guys despite the economic downturn.  That's fine with me.  It is not as if you have to drive to the room.  As long as you remain clothed, you can drink whatever you like.

This guy, however, had an interesting theory.  He was dying to share it.  And after he did, I wished he hadn't.

He only likes left breasts. They are the better breast in his (loud and intoxicated) opinion.  

Why?  I still don't know.  

He rambled off celebrities and all the girls and women he has probably ever met in an effort to convince me.

I am sure.  That he drank too much.

Smoking with Cancer

I had a guest check in today after getting directions from Shadyside.  She informed me that she had an appointment at the Hilman Cancer Center.  

Then she said she needed a smoking room.  

I am not a doctor, but I think I've read about a link between smoking and cancer somewhere.

Confessions of a Housekeeper

This article was written by a housekeeper.  It is subtitled "Instead of Vacuuming, I Picked Up Some Crumbs," and is pretty interesting.

Fun Link

Here is a rant written by a hotel worker in Modesto, CA on the Best of Craigslist site.  

Caution:  Has some strong language.

You do what?

I couldn't make this up.

I have a guest who makes chocolate suckers, and she is in town because her products sell best this time of year.  

The shapes of the suckers make them something you would not give to kids, let's leave it at that.

They look nothing like this.

From a co-worker

I have off on Saturdays.  It is good because I get to hang out after a long work and school week.

 Saturdays are usually when the craziest things happen, but I do get informed about them.  What happened last night is too strange not to share.  

We have discretion when we are working the desk whether to go to other floors if guests request something.  Usually we are too busy, and let them know we can give them whatever they need if they come to the desk.  

Last night, my female co-worker had a female guest in a hot tub room call down for towels.  She wasn't that busy so she went up to the third floor and knocked on the door, with the towels in hand.  

The female was alone in the room, and answered the door completely naked.  This freaked out my co-worker.  She knew the towels were on the way, she could have thrown something on.  

But what was worse is that the guest opened the door all the way, and proceeded to have a long conversation while my embarassed co-worker tried to maintain eye contact only.  Next time, I am sure she will have all guests come to the desk for more towels.

Don't Scream at me (Part Two)

Everyone gets cranky at some point during long car trips, and I do not blame them.  I get cranky after too long in the car, too.  But there is a difference between getting cranky and getting rude and crazy.  

This lady came to check in today with a coupon from the interstate rest area.  For some reason people with coupons are especially hard to deal with. Even though they are saving between $30 and $45, they will find something to complain about.  

Anyway, while checking her in instead of asking "How many adults do you have?", I slipped and asked how many dogs do you have.  She didn't notice and said she had two dogs.  

We don't accept pets.  She must have thought I was lying about that.  Because she began to scream at me.  

She told me that this chain accepts pets.  I told her we are all individually owned and opperated and many do not, like us.  

Then, I told her I could not rent her a room, but I could call a sister property five miles away and maybe they would have a room.  She must have been in the car way too long, because 5 miles made her scream again.  

Then she started to scream about what was closer.  Where could she stay closerby?  I had to litterally ask her to leave.  But if is anyone who doubts that Canadians can swear, this lady would have let you know you were wrong a-boot that.

Don't scream at me (Part one)

Ok, so this is not about what a guest told me but instead how she acted.  This lady came to check in today and asked if we had an airport shuttle.  When I said "No." She literally screamed "WHAT?"  I just looked at her.  She continuted to yell about that is the reason she booked at my hotel because the Web site said we had one.

We don't, we never have.  I told her this but she insisted that that is what she saw on our Web site. 

I knew it wasn't, but I was in an okay mood so I just let her go on and on.  What I found funny was when she pulled out her iphone to prove me wrong.  She went to our corporate Web site. 

Her husband pulled out his Blackberry Storm and also went to the corporate site.  While they were doing this I reminded them that they booked on Expedia, maybe they should check there. 

They were crazy, and really old.

I think smart phones and internet booking should maybe have an age limit. And who SCREAMS in public?  It is not like I booked her reservation. If you work with the public, comment and let me know how you deal with crazy customers.

No bathing suits allowed

There are several guys staying at the hotel, working in the telecom industry. They have been here for 20 days and have about 2 more weeks before they check out. 

They are from around the country, and every night at happy hour they tell me something different they have discovered about Pittsburgh.  

Today, I was told by a guy who is staying in one of our many hot tub suits that Pittsburgh girls are especially "freaky," which was more information than I wanted to hear from him.  

His weekend recap didn't stop there. He got her to come back to the hotel with him from Kro Bar in the Strip.  She was upset that she didn't have a bathing suit to enjoy the hot tub in his room.

His tip of the day was we should post a sign in our lobby that says "No Bathing Suits Allowed."

Classy, but probably wouldn't be great for business.

Welcome....

Welcome to my blog. I hope you have fun here. I will share some of the funniest things that happen at my work, a hotel in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. When people check in, they often share their stories with me, and I will share them with you.